Where Am I and How Did I Get Here?

I am not lost on a road trip, well not literally. Somehow the road map of my life got a bit muddled this week. I am still not sure how I ended up in this sad and lonely place again.

Hearts are funny things. They don't always listen to what the mind wants. Nor do they obey direct orders very well. Sometimes, despite protective measures, the heart gets bruised. Battered. Trampled. Hurt.

Some people believe the solution is to turn their hearts to stone. Others pretend their hearts are coated in teflon, the hurts magically slide away. Neither solution is all that healthy. Hearts, with all their foibles and follies, are meant to be open.

Even if hurts find the way in.

Stuck in the Muck

I am probably the last person who would quote a bible verse in my blog, but this one is stuck in my head and it seems quite appropriate.

"Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is and walk in it and you will find rest for your souls." Jeremiah 6:16

Problem is my crossroads seem to have a plethora of mud and muck and quite frankly I am stranded in it. My feet and possibly my heart are finding it difficult to even lean in any direction. My brain is whirling with what if's, should I's, and can I's.

Just make a decision. Throw the dart at the targets and see what happens. Spin the wheel and see where it stops. DO SOMETHING

Otherwise when the mud dries, I am going to be stuck.

Illusions

Some days hope and happiness seem so tangible - I can, with the merest whisper of movement, feel their blessings.

But not right now. They are clouded, misty, an hazy and cruel illusion.

Life is hard.

Emotional Punching Bag

Yep it is one of those days. Despite the sunshine, my heart is gray, battered, and bruised.

How do I harden my heart against the few who delight in hurting me with out cementing it all together? Is it possible to be open and vulnerable with select trustworthy souls, but not allow in the sharpened spears of condemnation?

I am tired of ducking and weaving, the blows continue to rain upon me.

Does anyone have my back?

Writing on the Wall

The past few weeks have been a muddied mess with stunning moments of clarity. I am feeling the well-known restlessness of imminent change. My brain starts to itch, sending brief images of what is to be. I feel the distance building, the subtle pulling away from comfort zones.

This time is far different from any other. The risk is exponentially greater, but so is the possible reward.

Walking off into the familiar unknown.

Challenge

So I have been challenge to radically change my life by the fall. As in six months from now. It seems like a long time from now, but really isn't. So do I accept the gauntlet thrown at my feet? Or do I continue in the stagnant life I have now?

I am going to take that leap and see where I land.

2010 is shaping up to be one very interesting year.

Rampant confusion

I am confused today. Trying to figure out who gets to decide the pace of a relationship. How much do you push out of the comfort zone? How vulnerable are you supposed to be?

New territory for me. I think I am trying to take this person where they are, and yet what are safe expectations? Am I giving more than I am getting?

No clue and no tech manual for me to follow.