Integrity

My handy Webster's New World Dictionary defines the word integrity as:
1) Completeness
2) Unimpaired condition; soundness
3) Honesty, sincerity

It is the third definition I am debating today. Where has the world's integrity gone? It feels like all the honesty has left us. When did it become okay to make empty promises, to manipulate like a puppeteer?

I know a few people who would be a pictorial definition of the word. My father. He is who he purports to be. His word is sound.

I am so tired of people saying one thing and doing the exact opposite. And then thinking they can make things right with an apology. Be honest the first time. Do What You Say. Four short simple words.

Live with INTEGRITY

Boo boos

It was a band-aid kind of day. Little ouchies that were cured with the simple application of a band-aid. Distressed noses which needed wiping. Some snuggly lap time. The hurts of a preschooler can be quite simple to cure.

How I wish it were so with the big ouchies in life. The heart hurt, soul aching blows adults endure along the way. My boo boos are healing nicely. They are no longer raw and I don't wince in pain at life.

How are your boo boos today?

Mornings

I am not a morning person. I can fake it quite well. The upbeat cheerfulness, overextended exuberance, plastered on smile. There have been moments though, that I am genuinely pleased to greet the day.

Most times I am a confirmed night owl. I like the silence of the night. My house is quiet and peaceful. My brain is sharply focused.

Obviously I am well acquainted with myself. What is the problem with that? Aging is the problem. I find that as the 40's decade draws out, I am less able to stay up late and more prone to wake up early.

Betrayal

A Day in the Snow

Have you ever noticed the immense volume of a snowstorm? The wind seems to take on a life of it's own. It is at once forlorn and fierce. The epitome of loneliness yet it swirls in surrounding, camouflaging, covering.

A dichotomy - pervading isolation which forces moments of togetherness.

All that in a snowstorm.

Holding Your Breath

When did I forget how to breathe? I have found myself waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I catch and hold my breath, thinking that if I am completely still, everything will remain in place.

Didn't know I had that much power. Well, at least I thought I did. Did some heavy duty breathing today on the elliptical. The world didn't tilt off its axis and spin into oblivion.

Go figure.

Failing

Have you ever wanted something so much, but everything you do to obtain it fails? I am experiencing it right now. Just plain stinks. Of course I want to take all the blame and make it solely about some big flaw I have.

Reality check. Communication is a two way street. Mind reading is a perilous undertaking and silence is cruel.

Silence allows the brain to dive into turbulent waters. With a couple of notable exceptions, I have never been good at silence.

My New Life

Welcome to day one of my new life!

I spent the week experiencing wildly swinging emotions. From jubilation to despair, fierce anger to white hot desire, they were all there. So I started wondering why, smack in the middle of my living years, am I in such turbulence?

After all I am a middle age woman. Not too bad to look at. Some days full of swagger and confidence, other days a mishmash of uncertainty. I am employed. Have great young adult kids. Two loving and loyal dogs. Shouldn't life have evened out by now?

If I really want to admit it, the answer is obvious. I want, no need, a relationship. After finally ending a stagnant, stale, energy depleting marriage, I want to have some fun! I want to feel wanted and desired by a member of the opposite sex. I want to connect and be connected to. I am not looking for happily ever after - the big Relationship. Shudder worthy thought. There is too much exploring to be done. BUT I don't want a one night fling. So what is the middle ground? Not so sure on this.

Guess I will just have to dive in and find out.

Join me for the journey.

Meltjie